During my time working with bereavement, I saw how many different, and often conflicting, emotions the Christmas period brought up for my clients. As with grief in general, the most important thing to keep in mind is that feeling all of these emotions is completely normal and ok. Bereavement can already be an incredibly challenging and confusing thing to go through during the rest of the year and, with so much focus on spending time with loved ones and being joyful, it can be particularly difficult at Christmas. You might feel this if you have experienced a recent bereavement, but it can equally be the case if your bereavement happened many years ago. Even when we might have started to come to terms with our loss in our daily lives, anniversaries and holidays such as Christmas can bring emotions to the surface more powerfully.
There are no rules
Know that it is ok if you feel fine, if you have moments of joy, if you just feel really sad and everything in between. There are no rules for how we should grieve and sometimes we don’t know how we will feel from one moment to the next. There can be so much shame attached to how we feel or what we need in a given moment e.g., sometimes you might just want to take your mind off your grief and talk to a friend about something else, but this could bring up feelings of guilt. At other times you might need to talk about how you feel but struggle to communicate this for fear of upsetting others. Both of these needs are part of something called the dual process model of grief, where sometimes we need to focus on processing the feelings of loss and at other times we want to focus on things that distract us and give us moments of relief from this. These are both important processes and it is completely ok, and in fact important, to acknowledge these needs and ask for them in a given moment. Also, remember that sometimes expectations of how others should grieve can lead to tension, so it is important to consider that others might grieve differently than you and to try and respect each other’s needs.
Plan ahead how you would like to spend this time
Some people who are grieving might choose not to celebrate Christmas and may wish to spend this time doing something else, for example, visiting a country that doesn’t celebrate Christmas or staying at home but choosing to focus on other things e.g., working on personal projects, clearing out your room/home, going on a hike etc. For others, sticking with traditions might be what feels best, and it can be comforting to think of ways to honour those who are not with us physically e.g., playing their favourite song, cooking a Christmas dish they loved, sharing memories or getting them a gift. Again, there are no rules, and it is about finding what feels right for you. However, it is also ok if you don’t know what that is. Where there might be people in the family who want different things, try to find a way to hear each other and come to a compromise. If this isn’t possible, you might find small ways that you can do things to support yourself and your needs that do feel doable. Here are some ideas:
- Find ways you can escape for a moment e.g., watching a movie or reading a book that has nothing to do with Christmas and can transport you somewhere else
- Getting out for a walk on your own or with someone who you feel safe with and who supports you
- Speaking to a friend who can help you with either part of the dual processs
- You might choose to visit the grave of the person you have lost or a place that was special to them
- Speaking to the person you have lost internally or out loud, writing a letter to them to help you process your feelings, listening to a song that reminds you of them
Try not to compare yourself
It can be difficult not to compare with how other people are spending Christmas when you are grieving and missing someone. Try to limit time on social media so that you are not constantly reminded of what others are doing or about past Christmases. Again, it is personal and there are no rules e.g., you might find it comforting to stay connected with your friends. However, it is also ok to switch off and let people know you will be taking some time away from your phone over the Christmas period. You might also avoid Christmas films and Christmas TV to limit how much you are exposed to it. It can be helpful to find other ways to spend your time and to think of things that take your full concentration e.g., arts and crafts, knitting, baking, reading.
Self-care
For many of us the Christmas period brings a change of routine, with time off work and fewer hours of daylight. It is important to continue to look after yourself during this time by eating regularly and trying to maintain a sleep routine. Finding ways to move your body e.g., walking or stretching and connecting with people who make you feel good can also help. It can be the first time that many of us slow down from the demands of school, work or other commitments, so it is also ok to take time to rest, wrap yourself in a blanket and make yourself a cup of hot chocolate. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to recharge if that is what feels needed. It can also be helpful to remind yourself that the Christmas period will end if it is feeling hard. Another part of self-care is talking to someone if you feel you need extra support – this might be a friend of family member who you can trust or you can call the Cruse National Helpline on 08088081677 (Monday-Friday (9:30am-3pm).
Tonkin’s model of grief
Remind yourself of Tonkin’s model of grief. When we first lose someone we love, the grief can feel overwhelming, engulfing every aspect of our lives. It can be hard to imagine a time when it won’t feel this way. Tonkin suggested that instead of grief diminishing or disappearing with time, its size stays the same, but our lives grow around around it. Gradually, the grief occupies less space in the broader context of our lives.
The person we lost, the bond we shared, and the pain of their absence stay with us, held in our hearts. At times, this pain may feel sharper or more vivid, perhaps when revisiting places filled with shared memories or at Christmas time, bringing those emotions rushing back. However, as time passes, our life grows around the grief as we begin to make space for new experiences and opportunities. This helps us to find meaning in life again, making those difficult moments easier to navigate and allowing us to embrace the possibility of new beginnings. As this happens it may become easier to remember the happy memories and times spent together during times like Christmas.
Author: Sarah Childs
Psychotherapist MBPsS, MSc, BA (Hons), (Reg MBACP)
