When we think about families raising a neurodivergent child or a child with a disability, our attention naturally tends to focus on the child with additional needs. However, there is another family member whose experiences often go unnoticed: their siblings.
These siblings are frequently described as the “easy” child—independent, mature and low maintenance. Yet beneath the surface, they may carry a complicated mix of love, protectiveness, embarrassment, grief, frustration and guilt. Their experiences are increasingly recognised through the concept of the glass child.
The term glass child was popularised by Alicia Maples in her TEDx talk, Recognising Glass Children. Despite what the name might suggest, these children are not fragile. In fact, they are often remarkably capable, resilient and resourceful. The term refers to the experience of feeling “looked through”, as though they are invisible because so much of their parents’ time, energy and emotional resources are understandably devoted to caring for a sibling with complex needs.
Parents of neurodivergent or disabled children often find themselves juggling appointments, therapies, school meetings, navigating complex systems and managing chronic stress. In this context, siblings may quietly learn to suppress their own needs in an effort not to add to the family’s already heavy load.
Growing up too quickly:
Many glass children appear mature beyond their years. They may become highly independent, avoid asking for help and learn to cope with life’s challenges on their own.
Some also take on responsibilities that are beyond what would typically be expected for their age. This might involve helping care for younger siblings, supervising a brother or sister, or providing emotional support to overwhelmed parents. When children consistently take on these adult responsibilities, they can become what psychologists describe as parentified.
Although these adaptations can make children appear resilient, they often come at a cost. As adults, some former glass children report struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing, setting healthy boundaries and recognising their own needs. Many find it difficult to ask for support because they learned from an early age that other people’s needs came first.
Common experiences of glass children:
Although every family’s experience is different, research and lived experience suggest that many glass children share some common characteristics.
- Feeling invisible. They may believe their needs are less important than those of their sibling and develop the expectation that they should always be “fine”.
- High levels of maturity and hyper-independence. They often manage school, friendships and emotional challenges alone, even when they are struggling internally.
- People-pleasing. They may prioritise everyone else’s wellbeing over their own and find it difficult to say no.
- Some become high achievers, believing they need to excel in order not to create additional worries for their parents.
- Suppressed emotions. They may hide difficult feelings to avoid adding further stress to the family.
- Conflicted emotions and guilt. They may feel guilty for achieving milestones or enjoying experiences that their sibling cannot, making it difficult to celebrate their own successes without mixed feelings.
Alongside these emotional experiences, siblings may also face everyday challenges that others rarely notice. Family plans may be cancelled at short notice due to a sibling’s needs. Holidays, birthdays or outings may revolve around what is manageable for the disabled child. Routines can be unpredictable, and siblings may find themselves repeatedly adapting their own expectations. While these disruptions may seem minor in isolation, over time they can contribute to feelings that their own needs and wishes are less important.
Signs a sibling may be struggling:
A child who isn’t causing problems isn’t necessarily coping well. Signs that a sibling may be finding things difficult include:
- They stop talking about their own interests, achievements or worries.
- They rarely ask for help, even when they clearly need it.
- They withdraw from friendships or activities they previously enjoyed.
- They appear distracted or begin struggling at school.
- They become unusually irritable, withdrawn or begin engaging in risk-taking behaviours.
- They seem uncomfortable receiving praise or being the centre of attention.
- They express resentment or frustration but quickly apologise or minimise their feelings.
- They describe family life almost entirely through the experiences of their sibling, rarely mentioning themselves.
If these experiences remain unrecognised over many years, some siblings may become more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem or trauma-related difficulties later in adolescence or adulthood.
Supporting your glass child:
Supporting siblings does not mean eliminating the challenges your family faces. Rather, it means helping them feel seen, heard and valued.
Some ways parents can support their child include:
- Be honest and open. Acknowledge the difficulties your family is facing and recognise the impact these may have on siblings. Saying something like, “I wish I could spend more one-to-one time with you, and I know it’s hard when I can’t,” can be incredibly validating.
- Don’t mistake independence for wellbeing. A child who appears competent may still be struggling. It’s also worth remembering that some siblings have their own neurodivergence or additional needs that may go unnoticed because the family’s attention is focused elsewhere.
- Prioritise one-to-one time. Even brief periods of uninterrupted attention can help children feel important. Follow their interests, ask about their experiences and listen without rushing to solve problems.
- Protect them from adult responsibilities. Be mindful of ways siblings may unintentionally take on caregiving or emotional support roles that are not appropriate for their age, and reduce these wherever possible.
- Advocate for all of your children. If your child is struggling, consider professional support. Therapy can provide a safe, non-judgemental space to process difficult emotions with someone outside the family.
- Explore sibling support groups. Meeting other children with similar experiences can reduce feelings of isolation and help children realise they are not alone.
- Accept help when you need it. Caring for a disabled child can be emotionally and physically demanding. Leaning on family, friends or professional support can reduce parental burnout and create more opportunities to be emotionally present with all of your children.
- Encourage their own identity. Help your child develop interests, friendships and goals outside their role within the family. They deserve opportunities to simply be themselves.
Every sibling’s experience is different, and many describe growing up alongside a neurodivergent or disabled brother or sister as something that has also taught them empathy, resilience and compassion. Recognising the challenges they face does not diminish the love they have for their sibling. Instead, it reminds us that every child in the family deserves to feel seen, supported and heard.
Author: Agnes Ban
Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist MA, PGDip, MBACP, UKCP
