September is an interesting month: new classrooms and buildings, new people, new routines and for some, a new level of independence. For some, this can bring excitement about a fresh start, but also a tight feeling in the chest, homesickness, and even loneliness.
But homesickness and anxiety are not a character flaw. They’re a completely normal and expected response to a big change, and it doesn’t mean that they’re not ready.
Sometimes, life changes simply take time to adjust.
Why transitions feel hard
It’s easy to assume that homesickness means something is wrong, especially if you think everyone has settled in fine, and you’re the exception. But homesickness is so much more than missing home. It’s also about missing family, your friends, your home, a favourite meal, or knowing how each day will look like.
It can also be about the comfort of being somewhere where you don’t have to think about where to go, who to sit with, or what you’re supposed to do next. You don’t get decision fatigue.
Homesickness also doesn’t mean that you’re not excited to become more independent. You can be excited about university and still miss home terribly. You can love your new school and still have moments when you want to go back to your old school you’re familiar with.
These feelings can coexist. Homesickness is a natural response to change and doesn’t need to be eliminated immediately.
But let’s look at other things that can impact transitions:
- Decision fatigue: as mentioned before, starting somewhere new requires an enormous amount of mental energy. Think about how many decisions you make during your day without really thinking about them: what to eat, where to go, who to sit with, when to study, etc. When everything is new, those decisions require conscious thought and can cause mental exhaustion from making lots of choices: Where is the lecture room? What time should I leave? Where should I sit? Should I go to this event?
- Friendship pressure: starting somewhere new comes with an unspoken belief: everyone is immediately making friends. Should I be making friends already? Shouldn’t I have a friend group by now? The urgency can make normal social awkwardness, or struggling to connect with new people, feel like a personal failure, when in reality most people feel the same way (some hide it better!). What we see from other people is rarely the whole picture.
- Comparison: social media can make things more intense. It can make you feel that everyone else is having the time of their life. But nobody posts the quiet Tuesday night where they missed their favourite meal or called an old friend since they felt lonely.
There is no universal timeline for settling in.
How can we work through it?
- Build one small anchor routine. It doesn’t have to be big – same coffee order each morning, a phone call home once a week, a short walk before a lecture. Predictability, even on a small scale, can help steady the rest of your day. Small routines can provide a sense of stability when everything else is changing.
- Let friendships happen slowly. The closest friendships rarely form in week one. They build through time and repetition. Attend your lectures and familiarise yourself with the people there.
- Name the feeling instead of fighting it. Talk to someone you trust about your anxieties, loneliness, or homesickness. Message someone when you need connection. If that doesn’t feel doable, write it in a journal or speak to someone at university or school when you’re struggling. Pretending it’s not there can make things bigger.
- Limit comparison. If scrolling through social media makes you feel worse, it’s completely fine to take a break or not engage with it. Remember: their feed isn’t the full story.
- Go outside and move your body. It’s simple: a short walk, a couple of minutes outside, and moving can help regulate your mood, especially during life changes and stressful adjustments.
And most importantly, you don’t have to figure everything out at once. Reduce the pressure to solve everything immediately. Ask yourself, “What would make today feel a little easier?”, instead of, “How am I going to cope with the whole year?”
What can you do as a parent?
Transitions can be difficult for parents, too.
You might worry and feel anxious about whether your child is really okay. It’s even harder to watch your kid struggle from a distance. Our first instinct could be to call frequently, ask lots of questions and try to fix it.
- Try checking in rather than hovering. What helps most is being a steady presence more so than taking control. A message like, “How’s it going?” Or “Thinking of you. No need to reply, just wanted you to know I’m here if you need it”. Let them lead with what they want to share and give them space to develop their independence while making it clear support is always available.
- Resist the urge to solve it immediately. If they’re venting about a bad week at school or the first week of uni, it’s tempting to jump straight to advice. Sometimes (and more often than not) we want to be heard and validated first.
- Resist the urge to interpret every difficult day as evidence that they’ve made the wrong decision. You can say things like, “It’s okay that this feels hard right now. You don’t have to decide anything today. Let’s give it some time.”
- Don’t take distance personally. Their not answering every time you call or shorter replies to messages (even no replies) is very often about them building independence, not about you.
Remember that your child might not always tell you when they’re struggling. If you keep communication open, without demanding constant updates, it can be easier for them to come to you when they do need support.
When is it more than homesickness?
Adjustment difficulties and homesickness are common and expected, especially during the first weeks of a major transition. Most people start feeling more settled within a few weeks to a couple of months.
However, it’s worth paying closer attention if you notice:
- Withdrawing almost completely from other people and social contact, not just feeling shy.
- A low mood that isn’t lifting or is getting worse over time, rather than gradually easing.
- Real trouble sleeping, eating or getting out of bed.
- Loss of interest in things that used to matter to them or would normally enjoy.
- Being unable to attend school, lectures or other essential activities.
- Talk of hopelessness or worthlessness, or wanting to leave entirely with no plan to adjust first.
If any of these sounds familiar for yourself or someone you know, it’s better to seek support sooner than waiting for it to become more intense. You can reach out to student wellbeing teams at university or schools, a GP or other appropriate professional to help assess what’s going on and identify the right support needed.
Where a coach can help
A coach can be a useful source of support during a period of transition.
For students who want extra support, a coach can help them build routines, set realistic social goals, manage the workload and homesickness. Coaching tends to be more practical and forward-looking, where you can build skills and structure to handle a specific adjustment.
Having someone outside your family to talk things through makes it easier to separate normal discomfort from change from things that genuinely need addressing.
You are allowed to take your time
Starting somewhere new is meant to feel strange for a while, and it’s a significant transition.
The discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong.
- You don’t have to feel confident on the first day.
- You don’t have to love every aspect of your new life immediately.
- You don’t have to make your best friends in the first week.
- Feeling homesick is not a sign you’re not coping.
Give yourself, and your child, permission to transition slowly, one step at a time.
Author: Magdalena García
Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist
